My Christmas Vacation (McLain’s Lament)

TTTO “My Summer’s Vacation (A Slayer’s Lament)” by Seanan McGuire

We’ve got a man who carries glocks and we have nobody who cares here
I think he’s bringing armageddon, so we’d better not hit the fuse
I’ve got a lot of things on my mind, I’ve got my marriage troubles
And I think I may be more scared I’ll win than I am worried I’ll lose

You know, I didn’t volunteer to play a game here, I was threatened
And I do not hold any views about superiority of any race
But when criminals call collect, you can’t defuse the charges
So I am standing with a sign here daring people to hit my face

This is not how I wanted to spend my Christmas vacation
This is not what I wanted to do ’till the end of my days
Fighting crime and saving the world may be an honest vocation
But it seems all that interests the crowds are flashy displays

Now it’s madness on the first one, on the second strikes the terror
Or it’s pretending to be terror while it takes New York to dry
By the time we reach the third one I just want it to be over
But we’re still the hits of ratings so we cannot say goodbye

If I can make it through the fourth one, there’s a chance I can just stop this
And if you really think I mean it, then I’ve got a script to sell
We’re like a shitty stupid franchise that’s evading cancellation
And I don’t think we will stop this ’till this movie is only a shell

This is not how I wanted to spend my Christmas vacation…

I used to think my wife was harsh when she left me for this job
Now I’m longing for that sinking feeling, as I have to save
the world from crime and mobs — again
It’s like the police force’s a really dumb puppy that’s
hell bent on stupid rules
And nobody knows how to get the thing neutered, or make it
stop barking or make it not drool

You’d better find another husband if you want a lasting marriage
I think my life’s a running gag that’s being told and then retold
I’ve got a problem with my wife and no matter how I save her
There is no way that we’ll solve this and stay home and grow old

So this is life — I always knew that I’m not going to survive it
But that doesn’t mean I have to be a prison bitch for criminals
I’ve got a message for the writers, et. al — “hate you, the planes and running”
I’m giving up my gun and cop badge, let’s say goodbye now, love me.

This is not how I wanted to spend my Christmas vacation.
When I chose my career, this is not what I thought I will be.
Please enjoy your blood and entrails and eternal uphill battle.
I’m giving up my gun and cop badge, let’s say goodbye now, love me.


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