I Was Killed Being Hit by the “Silmarillion”

TTTO Brooke Lunderville’s “I Fell Asleep Reading the Silmarillion”

Loosely based on “Questionable Content”

When I first read the Hobbit, it was short and it was fun
And I carried it in my pocket all the time
I couldn’t put it down, re-read it when I was done
My fingers got it full of dirt and grime
You see, I like it short and sweet
And if I had to be be beat
I’d rather it was by this book, but see…

I was killed being hit by the “Silmarillion”
Though I tried so very hard to dodge this book
Was it the genealogical charts? The poems in ninety two parts?
Whatever it was, my life it swiftly took
I was killed being hit by the “Silmarillion”
It was painful when my head was split in two
How would she so dare, and I thought she’d come to care
Oh, baby dear, I didn’t know that we were through

It isn’t that I don’t appreciate the cause
But I had a pretty good excuse
I was drunk — so overused
I’ll admit I’m to blame here, but I didn’t break no laws
Though “working late” is such a tired ruse
An affair I had, so what?
You shouldn’t turn into a nut
But she did, and you know what she had done:

I was killed being hit by the “Silmarillion”
Illuvatar’s turned out to be the scroned wife’s hero
I need galadriel to whip me up a magic spell
To bump my heart beat rate to not be zero
I was killed being hit by the “Silmarillion”
On her first attempt, she didn’t need one after
I feel for those dark ring lords, for wrong deeds can have rewards
I would have lived if it had one less chapter

Her library has got a really fine Tolkien collection
And her co-worker I slept with’s really…deep
I wanted to impress her with my erudite selection
And so my wife’s found out I’m a creep
It was no gentle Tolkien tap
That put me in eternal nap
And she said, “I know I’m not the only one”

Who kills by hitting guys with “Silmarillion”
You want us to forgive but we just can’t
And I think I need not mention, it will be soon a convention (lethal weapon, that)
So now I’ll kill you using the “Silmarillion”
A thousand boring elves can hit so hard
Yes I’ll kill you using the “Silmarillion”
And do you know what, yes, I’ll tell you what, I’m not ashamed!

1 Comment

  1. Brooke Lunderville said,

    Bwahaha! You wicked man.

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